Window Dressing
Q: What do you call two men hanging from a window?A: Curt and Rod.
With a
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!
Bush Has a Short One
Q: Bush has a short one. Sarkozy has a long one. Cher does not use hers. What is it?A: A last name.
Another Saturday Night
Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
Ronald McDonald in a Nudist Colony
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Yo Mama's So Fat... High Heels #2
Yo mama's so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
Mimes
What's black and white and red all over?
Mimes in a chainsaw fight.
Feminists Change a Light Bulb
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.
Replacing Vanna
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
Lead Guitarists and Light Bulbs
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
Art Gallery Nudes
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Homer's Favorite Ice Cream
What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream?
Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!
The Hippie and the Spice Rack
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.
''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''
''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''
''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.
''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''
''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''
Screwing the Justice System
Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
Practice Makes Perfect
Q: How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?A: Because they both "practice" their professions.
Cutest Baby Chicks Ever
Why do baby chicks say "cheap, cheap, cheap?" Because they can't say "expensive, expensive, expensive!"
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld fang syne.
A police officer saw a car speeding...
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "ull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
A police officer saw a car speeding...
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "ull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
Ice Cream Lessons
Where would you learn how to make ice cream?
At Sundae school.
Belated Guardian Angel
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
Ice Fishing
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand.
"You've got to keep your worms warm."
Christmas In Heaven
Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.
"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.
"These are Carol's."
Five Days of Christmas
Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas?
A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.
Yo Mama... Christmas Corner
Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.
Donkeys at Christmas
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Blonde in a Snowstorm
A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."
Gray on the Inside
Q: What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?A: An elephant in a plastic bag.
Frosty the Snowman's Pants
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Ass Kissing and Brown Nosing
Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?A: Depth perception.
There's No People Like Snow People
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snow balls
Walking Man, Into Bar He Goes
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"
Mexican Funeral
Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels?A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Holy Shot!
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Family Tree
Yo' Mama is so fat, she broke the family tree.
Blonde Smoker
Q: How did the blonde put out her cigarette?A: She threw it in the water and stepped on it.
Women and Bad Weather
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?A: They all get the house.
Blonde Loses Sweet Job
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"
Sweet Talker
On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “ass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”
Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”
Hot Babe in Bar
A hot babe goes into a bar and orders a 'sex on the beach'. She notices a slick dude at the end of the bar with a very prominent feature.
"Hi big guy," she says, batting her eyelashes.
"Oh hello, beautiful," he says stepping closer to her.
"I couldn't help but notice what big feet you have," as a look of wonderment spreads across her face.
"You know what that means..." he coos.
"Yes, trouble for the ants," she says.
Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."The bartender asks, "What do you have?"The guy says, "75 cents."
That's Really Hot
Hot Doggin'
Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
A: Sparky!
Congressman's Money
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
Some Plants
"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."
"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"
So you want to marry a millionaire ?
A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'' So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
''That was incredible!'' she said.
''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
''That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''
''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''
Redneck's Last Words
What are a typical redneck's three last words? "Hey, watch this! "
Give or Take a Gazillion
The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
ull over!"